When did I come undone?
I admit this post may have a touch of depressive wordiness, so if you tend towards depression on your own, then stop here, write a comment to say "hi", and move along. If I mention something negative that characterizes your own life, know that I don't judge you for your own life, just my own. Heck, you might even relate. If you thrive on lists for your very existence, then enjoy this and maybe even make one of your own.When did I stop....
1. making sure my kids faces were clean out in public and before bed.
2. washing my car every week (a little ritual dad instilled in me).
3. keeping the car clean inside (crumbs, crackers, old fries lurking in the cracks).
4. believing that I can muster enough creativity to begin my scrapbooks again.
5. holding fast to my ideals of the traditional marriage roles.
6. wondering if it was Biblical to listen to the Christian rock band Petra.
7. pursuing my quiet time with God.
8. believing that He can provide for my family.
9. making sure the kids' p.j. tops and bottoms matched when time for bed.
10. worring about my health. Letting each pound creep in.
11. reading my frugality book and applying it to our lives.
12. believing that a book or movie could change lives.
13. giving my time or resources to others.
14. sending cards and letters to people I care about. Missing birthday upon birthday!
15. creating meals that would "wow" my family.
16. scheduling a husband appreciation day for my man.
17. giving up moving back home (letting each year slip by).
18. being the extrovert. Instead I hunker down in my home with my honey.
19. sharing my feelings, prayer needs, and emotions with others.
20. trying to get up before the kids to make them a healthy, nummy breakfast.
I didn't mean this to be a "poor me" list, but rather a "hey, wake up and live" list! I need to remember my ideals, and to stop letting them slip away. I need to remember who I am, what I have become, and what I should be! To wake up and "make the coffee!"
Comments
1) Trusting God and making sure E-man's pajama bottoms match do not belong in the same category - some of these things are just not worth fretting over!
2) You have worked your butt off for two years to realize your dream of becoming an RN, in turn securing the ability to move closer to home. I wouldn't call that "giving up."
3) Yesterday and today you cleaned the car inside and out - looks great!
4) The past two years have really prompted me to grow as a family member. "I" make the kids that nummy breakfast when you can't, I do housework because it is my living space too, and I like to make the coffee - when will you stop feeling like it's your duty? Screw traditional marriage roles!!!
5) Wondering whether or not Petra was evil was a side-effect of your repressive, Baptist upbringing. What you really should wonder is how much of your upbringing needs reevaluated in light of your current understanding of moral behavior.
Again, sorry to pose objections to your thoughtful post, but there are other perspectives to look into as well. Don't be glum - you are a beloved wife, mother, daughter, and friend. Be at peace.
I say not because he's one of my best friends, but because I second strongly what he has to say. Thankfully, since he said it, I don't have to type it. You need perspective, not lament. You *have* busted butt and accomplished some things about which you should *really* be proud and which will allow you greater freedom and time to do the things that you miss; with less stress and obstruction.
You *are* indeed a great mother, wife & friend!! You impress and inspire me. I say this NOT because I want to boost your morale, but simply because it's true. I would like to be able to do all that you did/do/will do with as much vigor, attention and precision.
It's only natural that you feel drained; you've been going full steam for quite a while lately. Now, with SO much growth behind you (not a reference to your derriere- sorry, had to get at least one ribbing in there) and so much ahead, as your post proves, you've some time to reflect, reorganize, readjust, and rediscover yourself and what you love, what *really* matters, and how to go about making them happen again.
You will! I have faith, so should you! xoxo
#19: You just did.
I think now that you've made this list, these things'll be priorities again. Except #9. Really. Don't worry about that :)